Episode 206 - Five Ways to Regulate Beyond Taking a Deep Breath
Do you ever find traditional regulation methods to feel a little...boring?
Do you desire ways not just to feel calm, but ways to feel more alive, more pleasured, and more connected to the living world?
Join Mary Lofgren in this episode of Come to Your Senses on how to conjure pleasure and relaxation through receptivity.
You'll learn how to use beauty to regulate your nervous system, embodiment methods to wake yourself up, and adornment to bring creative zest back into your life.
You'll also hear about Mary's signature program, The Woman's Way of Embodiment (open now through April 9th) — a four month immersion into how to lives as a pleasure seeker, beauty lover, and somatic savant. Learn more and enroll here.
✵
Links from the Show
✵
Episode Transcript
Below is the full transcript of this episode on how to regulate the female nervous system in pleasurable and fun ways
-
Hello beautiful beings, and welcome to today's episode that is inspired by my friend Hans. So recently my housemate, my beloved housemate had a shoulder issue and she purchased one of those massagers that has like the rotating globes. And when you lean back into it, it kind of really needs the muscles and can get into the scalps. And it's just freaking amazing and it's heated. And lately I've been using it because it lives in our living room. And yesterday I was using it to kind of decompress between clients. I had just had two back to back embodiment coaching sessions and. Often. You know, earlier in my career as a coach, I knew that I needed to do something to transition from the experience of holding space for someone in a client session to transitioning back into my life, and on a good day, that would look like sun salutations. Or, you know, as I got more deeply into the field of embodiment somatic release movement on a not so great day, that would look like jumping into a scroll hole on Instagram. You know, we're human beings. It's a spectrum. But what I've learned as I've developed my understanding of the resplendent feminine nervous system, is that feminine beings are literally wired to regulate through methods that are receptive And how that relates to Hans is that when I would finish a client session and I would do the sun salutation, or I'd do the somatic movement or, you know, some other kind of self-starting, okay, I should do this now.
I'm feeling, you know, full my my nervous system feels full. I should express, I should release and, you know, then doing that thing. And much like many methods of regulation that are based on a masculine model, as almost all regulation methods are because of the research gap between feminine and masculine nervous systems, there's an element of work and initiative that's required to do some yoga or to stand up and do shaking and. There's also an element of let me do this thing so that I can feel a certain way or get to a certain result, which is brilliant and really complements the way that the masculine nervous system is wired, because the masculine is really wired for problem solving as a method of regulation for the feminine nervous system. If you have a feminine oriented nervous system and you feel like everything in your life is work, including the things that bring you pleasure, this may be why. Because the way that you are going about regulation and making yourself feel better and treating your body with self-care is simply through a design that was never made with you in mind. And today's episode is going to share five ways that you can regulate that aren't taking a deep breath. And this is by no means a criticism of all of the beautiful ways that we have learned how to regulate and learned how to work with calming and supporting the nervous system. Regulation is an essential foundation. To an experience of radiance and resplendent, which is what I believe our nervous systems are really designed for. But if your regulation methods could use a little more pizzazz, a little more resplendent, and a little more receptivity, this episode is for you. And the woman's way of embodiment may also be for you. So on April 9th, I am opening a new cohort of my signature coaching experience, which is called The Woman's Way of Embodiment and similar to the arc of this episode where the creation of this course really started, even though it's a newer offering, is for the last ten years of coaching and offering coaching programs, there's always been this real focus on connecting with the body and listening to the body. But I have always felt that there's a missing elixir of feminine aliveness, and my personal experience with embodiment is that the somatic aspect of it really works on a foundational level of connection between you and your body, and the relationship between you and the wisdom that your body is always offering through its messages, but that we're not always skilled at interpreting. Because how would we be when the message to override your body is taught as the main survival skill in a capitalist culture?
But there is this whole other dimension of embodiment that really came alive for me on the burlesque stage. So a big piece of my journey and my work is that my work started in dusty dance studios in Times Square, where I was a burlesque performer at the time. And women would come to me like, how do I do this? I want to know how to do this. And just on a wild hair, one day I decided to do a $20 burlesque class and teach women a striptease routine with feather boas and with satin gloves and teaching them how to walk. And it was life changing for the participants and for me, because what it taught me is that embodiment isn't just somatic. It is also sensual. And that is why I'm so proud and so excited about the women's way of embodiment is that it is a blend of those two worlds, so that you not only feel more like you're inhabiting your body, but you also feel that you are inhabiting your womb and the unique and precious gifts of moving through this world as a woman and not just being aware of them or being familiar with them, but reveling in them. Actually, that first burlesque class that I taught. You know, I was working in corporate America at the time. And just dying inside. You know, I felt so passionate about this transformation that I had gone through with my body and with my sensuality, and being able to go from being unable to wear short sleeves in the summertime because I felt so ashamed of my body to performing on the burlesque stage in front of hundreds of people. And I so deeply wanted to share that with folks and everybody paid in cash. You know, this was almost 15 years ago, and I got home and I spread all those $20 bills on the bed, and I just rolled around in them in gratitude that what was my deep, deep passion and calling could also be matched with my livelihood.
And if you feel a similar calling in yourself, maybe not necessarily to do striptease, or maybe you do, and there will be a burlesque element to the women's way of embodiment, because learning how to embody this energy that I call the femme vital. It's a term I first heard in the book Seductress Women Who Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of love by my friend and mentor and icon Betsy prelude. That whole book is centered around the erotic and the feminine, erotic as something that's deeply feminist, and that is a way of not just creating equality, but creating equanimity and the celebration of the differences between these energies that we call masculine and feminine and the braggadocio expression of them. So if you are feeling called to be more semantically grounded and also more sensually alive braggadocio. So come check out the woman's way of embodiment. The early sign up savings of $500 expires March 31st, and there's the option to enroll right on the page or schedule a conversation with me to locate if this program is right for you. And you can find more about that at Marie Löfgren or at the link below this episode. And with that, let us now dive in to our banquet of gems on ways to regulate that nurture. Resplendence.
So where we'll begin. You know, in the intro I talked about receptivity. And often I find that there is a blending between receptivity and passivity. But receptivity, I find, is a very active process, because when I am receptive, it is an experience of opening myself fully to the experience that I'm having. Whereas passivity is almost a resignation, a tolerating an acceptance that this is just how it is, and I may as well not fight it. But I'm also not going to fully participate in it either. And receptivity is a posture. You know, it's an orientation to how we move through life. Because the truth is, I can give you all of these gems on how to regulate. But without the posture of receptivity. You're just getting her done. You know what I mean? Like how many of us can relate to light and incense in the morning? Because we're checking it off the wellness checklist, and this is what I'm supposed to do instead of making yourself available to the experience of it. And I experience this just this past weekend, I spent some time with horses. Gratitude to Crescent Moon Center, which is an organization here in Northern California that blends equine guided experiences with the healing power of the arts. I mean, come on, can you think of a more appetizing sandwich? I cannot. And, you know, I was spending time with this beautiful spotted horse.
God, I just want to hug him as I think about it. And we were doing a grooming exercise And, you know, it was a hot California day and the sun was beating down. And something I just so love about horses is that one must be present. Horses are prey animals, which means that they are constantly scanning and roving for danger. And a lack of presence registers as danger. And as I had my hands one hand on his back, one hand on his belly, I was just feeling the warmth come off of his back, and the way that his back had just been toasted by the sun in such a, like, warm bread kind of way. And this is why I work with horses, is because it drops me into a sense of experiencing my life, rather than analyzing and intellectualizing my life in ways that few other things can. And this is an example of being in a receptive posture, where I am both fully in the experience and receiving and touching and tasting the moment, but also connecting with and watching what his ears do and what his mouth does. You know, because these are all ways that the horse communicates with us about how it feels. And so that's our first, Jim, is when we come to a regulation method, you know, sometimes we're in a state of real activation fight or flight, freeze or fawn, and we need to just even 1% of a window to interrupt that stress response.
And fear response is plenty. Sometimes if we're a little bit more warm and present to the experience, we might like with that stick of incense, be more available to let it into our system. But one of the ways that I practice receptivity is by simply setting an intention. I am doing this so that I can receive. And there's something about that statement that allows my doer to take a bit of a back seat and allows my receiver to elegantly saunter onto the scene. And so wherever you are, you know, one of the things that I think is really common in personal growth and psychology is a kind of penis envy around regulation. Like, oh God, I'm not letting the incense in enough. And I just want to offer a grounding reminder that all of these human experiences of receptivity, of doing that, it's all a spectrum. And that certain days you might be super available to a pansy in the spring sun. Certain days you might feel like there's a giant pane of glass between you and that pansy, but the intention to be receptive. Really rewires and reorient us away from this kind of default in our culture of dominance and extraction back into a state of relationship with the living world.
And so the first deliciousness that we've already touched on is that of touch and massage. So we know that massage has a tremendous amount of benefits for the body, such as lowering the heart rate, increasing vagal tone, your vagus nerve really being like the tree trunk of the branches of both your system of protection and your system of connection. We know that touch releases oxytocin, which lowers the amygdala activity, that fear threat perception. It suppresses cortisol, that stress hormone output. And it may surprise you that even self touch releases oxytocin. So I find it very clear that when I'm being consensually touched, my body is starting to purr and go into a state of ease and relaxation. But even self massage creates that same parasympathetic response. And. In order to make your experiences of massage more receptive. One of the things that I find so useful is Hans. First of all, you know, he's back there doing his thing, kneading. If you didn't listen to the intro to this episode, go on back to find out who that is in my life. But also massage rollers. Massage balls, because you're not actually doing the massaging. So it's a lot easier to get into a receptive posture when you're massaging yourself against something else. Even sometimes I will go up against a doorjamb and just allow the corner of the doorjamb to work the sides of my spine. And something that I think is important to name about massage is that touch of any kind is both a science of working with the musculature and the nerve fibers and all the juiciness that lies below our skin. But it is also an art, and where the art comes in is with pressure and breath and rhythm and speed.
And so sometimes if I'm not as mindful and I'm just leaning my back into that pressure of the doorjamb, I can get really aggro and kind of forget that what I'm seeking is release, and instead my system just defaults to seeking intensity. And so that is something to keep in mind, is that when you get that foam roller, if your watch and love is blind and you're not really fully present, that will have some effect. But even 3 to 5 minutes of putting on some music, laying yourself into a puddle of sunlight, really being intentional with where you massage with a foam roller, but also releasing an relaxing into that pressure that you're giving your body a totally different experience. Our next gym is temperature, so heat we know activates vasodilation and circulation, bringing fresh oxygen and fresh life force to our muscles. It also helps induce a parasympathetic or relaxation state. Cold, we know, activates a norepinephrine release, which helps our body to become more alert and contrast between temperature helps to improve our autonomic flexibility. So our ability to kind of recover from stress states and rebound from stress states and expands our capacity. And if you're a sauna cold plunge kind of gal. God's bless you. My little system, even though my ancestries of a more Nordic origin. I just can't do it, y'all. My nervous system is just not designed for that type of thing. I'm also a Virgo, which is like, I don't like to be wet. I don't like to be wet or cold. I even sometimes have a hard time going in the water when I'm in Miami.
But what I will do is use temperature when I wash my hands. And so if you need some refreshment and some re grounding into your body, washing your hands with warm water and allowing yourself to really feel the water like the way a creek caresses stones in a riverbed, followed by that shock of chill, can really have a regulating effect on your entire body. So that's one way to use temperature. There's lots of different ways to use temperature to regulate, but that is one tiny gem you can take into your day to day. The next is legs up the wall. I have been known to do legs up the wall in the most unusual of environments. I have really high arches, and so if I've been on my feet for a long time, it just it really affects me. And doing legs up the wall is a really powerful way to help to relieve some of the pressure on your nerve. Ending it can help induce that parasympathetic relaxation state, and this really gentle inversion can help quiet your mental chatter. And one of my favorite rituals is to do legs up the wall at the end of the day with an eye pillow. Have this fabulous eye pillow by a company called Love Merch. They have a shop on Etsy and a website, and it's just the most beautiful marbled fabric. And all of their eye pillows are in the shape of a heart. So check them out. I'll put a link to them in the show notes. And that combination of inversion, plus a gentle pressure on the eyes can just be like taking ten naps. It is just so restorative. The next gem is beauty. Now, if you're a listener to this podcast, this is no surprise to you. I talk about beauty pretty much in every episode as a way to find a sense of safety. And not just safety, but an experience of harmony. You know, when I think about a song where there's harmony, it's these multiple influences that just create this magical alchemy when all put together. And beauty has that ability to not just send a signal of, I'm safe, I'm going to survive this, but to be something that our nervous system wants to move towards. And so when you begin your day. The simplest kinds of adornment can create an extraordinary kind of sensual presence, and how you might enjoy this from a receptive experience. Because I know for a lot of us, it's like I don't have time and I don't want to be uncomfortable. And I remember my friends. Laura Jane Foley was on the podcast once. I'll put a link to that episode in the show notes, and she has the most intoxicating voice and accent, and she's an extraordinary, sensual stylist. And I said to her, you know, Laura Jane, a lot of my clients, you know, the reason they struggle with adornment is because they don't want to be uncomfortable. And British accent impersonation incoming. She said, well, if I am not held by my corset, I am not comfortable. If I do not hear the tinkling of a bangle on my wrist. I am not comfortable. And that was such a helpful perspective, is that there is a discomfort to sporting roadkill chic, which is what I sometimes call the state of the opposite. When I feel like I'm in the opposite of adornment. And one of the ways that, again, I'll take a more receptive posture is interacting with my wardrobe as a living thing, which your wardrobe is a living thing. You have had so many experiences with these garments and with these baubles, and choosing to interact with them of What would you like to wear today? What would you like me to wear? Wardrobe. Who wants to be put towards the forefront is just one way that you can get out of the doing, and more into the receiving and relating and partnering with your wardrobe. And the final is also an adornment related gem. But that is unique and one of my favorite things to do on my own and to share with people. And it's called the blanket sarong. Okay, so I imagine throughout your home you might have a cozy throw blanket.
Maybe it's one of those faux fur things you get at home goods, and on a Saturday morning, while I'm bumbling around making coffee or at the end of a long day, I just want. To be free in my body. I don't want anything restricting my senses. I want to feel the cool breeze touch my thighs and my belly and my arms. And you know, a sarong does this. But there's something about the thickness of a blanket that provides a grounding effect. I cannot even describe it. But basically you just take a throw blanket, you wrap it around yourself, you tuck it in like you would a bath towel, and you walk through your home grandly like the lady of the manor. And it's fabulous. So if these gems turn you on, and what I mean by turning you on is that your whole nervous system? You know, sometimes when we talk about the nervous system, there's such an emphasis on the brain body connection because all of our thoughts, all of our beliefs arise from the nervous system. But there's often a forgetting that the nervous system is nervous. You know, if you say that word nervous, it's a rich in nerves. And so when I say turns you Taiwan. What I mean by that is something that you heard today, made your nerve endings light up and want to move towards. You are exactly who I created the woman's way of embodiment for. And so if you are ready to be saturated in four months of support in becoming a woman who lives her life as a pleasure seeker, as a beauty lover, and as a somatic savant, come join us in the woman's way of embodiment. Thank you so much for listening today, friends. If you enjoyed this episode, I would be delighted to hear from you in a review or receive your five star rating. Or have you share the episode with a friend or five? Sharing the episodes and offering your reviews is one of the most abundant ways to keep the frequency of come to your senses going in your eardrums and in the world. And I am so grateful for your listenership and I will see you in the next episode.
The Woman’s Way of Embodiment Open Now Through April 9th
A four month coaching immersion to trust your body, know yourself, and fall in love with your feminine design
✵