Episode 204 - You Are Wired for Pleasure
or listen wherever you get your podcasts
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A few weeks ago my stylist handed me a pair of scissors and I cut off ten years of hair.
I realized a reason I had been afraid to cut it was because of the idea that long hair makes you look young, and I had to stay looking young as long as possible to still be desirable.
As I cut into the dense bundle of hair, layers of pleasing others literally shed from my shoulders.
My new hair has given me a new identity.
I feel so much more decisive, more clear about who I am.
And I'll tell you, I have never felt hotter in my life. 🔥
This is the magic of the feminine nervous system: it is as wired for finding safety and growth through pleasure as it is for survival.
In today’s episode, we unpack the research gap that left feminine nervous systems understudied for decades, and how you can find your way back to regulation, rest, and resplendence in ways that work with, not against, your feminine nervous system.
You'll hear gems on:
The research gap in feminine nervous system science, and why traditional advice often leaves out the nuance women need to feel supported
Why your sensitivity is a fabulous design feature, not a flaw
How regulation tools differ for women and femmes
How to navigate less towards calming down and more towards coming alive
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Mentioned in The Episode
Mary's book: Sensing the Sacred
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Episode Transcript
Below is the full transcript of this episode on how you embody the truth that your nervous system is wired for pleasure.
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You Are Wired for Pleasure
Hello beautiful beings, and welcome to today's episode, which is all about how to work with your nervous system to turn up the volume on the parts of you that are wired for pleasure. And not necessarily turn down the volume, but feel more in control of the parts of you that are wired for protection, that can have the tendency to habitually grasp like an octopus on a pole. If you know what I mean.
And if you are a subscriber to my newsletter, you may have received an email this week that was titled my stylist handed Me the scissors, and just a couple weeks ago I got a fresh chop to my hair. And after ten years of my hair being really long, like over, I don't know, 16in long, I decided to cut it down to my earlobes. And with everything that is happening in the world at the moment and always, you know, whether you were listening to this episode 20 years ago or 20 years in the future, I'm sure that that statement will be relevant. But at a time when there is so much despair and so much violence and so much exposure of what we have already known, but that is coming to public light around the sexualisation of young girls and abuse of power. I don't know about you, but pleasure and haircuts can feel like, oh, God, who cares? And if that's going on for you, that is so welcome here. I think that it's right to question that.
And I also want to tell you a little story about how cutting my hair was such a significant step, and the ways that the feminine nervous system is primed to find its most authentic identity through beauty. So my stylist so blessedly handed me this scissor, and she wound my hair into a ponytail, and there was this thick band of hair, and she gave me the opportunity to think about, like, what am I releasing as I cut off the last ten years of hair? And what first popped forward I didn't even have to think about it was attachment to the male gaze for my worth and value, and the idea that I have to grasp onto looking young as long as humanly possible in order to be relevant.
And I took the scissors to my hair and I let it go. And there was, you know, this ponytail. The newsletter has a picture of me holding my ponytail. And you know, that moment was liberating. But what has been even more delicious and liberating is that this thing I was afraid of, of cutting off these last ten years of my hair would make me feel old, would make me feel like I'm giving up, you know, all these funny ideas that get baked into our neural pathways.
And I have to tell you, I have never felt more confident, more sexy, more magnetic in my skin. And I share this story because this is the magic of the feminine nervous system, is the way that one tiny change on our exterior, through our adornment and expression, can impact the entirety of our identity. I remember my very first moment at the cosmetics counter, which really shaped the rest of my life, because I went on in my teen years to become an esthetician. That was my first career. And there was this lipstick by Lancome. I can still smell and feel the oil makeup remover that I got a free sample of, but they had this lipstick called a crew. They since no longer make it, but it was a matte lipstick and god, I was probably 15 years old, maybe even a little younger, and I just couldn't believe how much joy and embodiment.
Of course, I didn't even know that word at the time, but looking back on it, it's like that one tiny detail that oriented me towards my pleasure completely upgraded my self-image and my identity. And that's what today is all about, is moving towards the way in which our nervous system is wired for pleasure, not just so that you can feel good, although we'll take as much of that as we can get, but so that you can feel more like yourself. Because when we are in a habitual state of bracing for protection. It's impossible for us to locate that place where we feel like we are being our authentic self, because our whole system is managing the detection and the protection against threat. But what you'll learn today is that there is this secondary part of our system that is not just geared towards survival, but that is geared towards engagement and embodiment.
This topic is something I am incredibly passionate about. If you could see me right now, my hands are waving all over the place as I'm talking about this, and I am next week teaching a free workshop on understanding and caring for your resplendent feminine nervous system. You can sign up at the link below this episode, or at https://marylofgren.com/class. It's happening on Wednesday, March 18th, and it will be recorded. And the reason it's called How to Understand and Care for your resplendent feminine nervous System is that there's a lot of information out there in the world about embodiment and nervous system care and healing your nervous system, and I love all of it. And all of it is essential because in order to care for our nervous system and really see it blossom. Safety and the basics are really that foundation and that baseline. But I know you, dear listener, and you know me and we know that. Hear it come to your senses. We think healing is amazing, but resplendent or bust, I say. And so at this class, you're going to learn about why most nervous system advice is actually not written with women in mind, and often doesn't meet the actual needs for the feminine nervous system.
And you're also going to learn how to distinguish between the voice of fear, intuition, desire, self-protection, and get to know which parts of your inner voice are coming from a place of just wanting to be heard, and which ones are really worth listening to and acting upon. And we'll also talk about that. The feminine system has a unique code of needs in order to find regulation. Those codes include sensual pleasure, feminine friendship, embodied intelligence, color, texture, beauty.
And so if you want to learn how to be, I'm going to say the Cesar Millan of Nervous System Care. But in case you don't know, he's the dog whisperer, the Thomas Booker. Let's go there. Thomas Booker from the horse whisperer. God almighty, Robert Redford, take me away. It's a little bit of an obscure reference, but if you want to learn how to. I think the reason my brain went to those two teachers is because they work with animals in their own language of origin. And rather than just giving you more information about your nervous system, this class is going to teach you how to work with and communicate and nurture your nervous system in the way that it's actually designed. So join us at https://marylofgren.com/class or at the link below this episode. Now let's dive into today's gems. And so where we'll begin today with our gems, has to do with the gap in research about the feminine nervous system. So it may shock you, although probably not that until the 1990s, women's and feminine nervous systems were not researched as having their own unique differences and needs because of wait for it, the quote unquote confounding variable of our hormonal fluctuations. In other words, the menstrual cycle introduced a confounding complication to the study of the nervous system, which means that traditional nervous system wisdom and advice.
Everything we've been taught about stress and regulation and recovery was built on male data primarily, and then handed to us as universal truths. And some of the ways that this might ring true for you is that the things that bring you a sense of joy and homecoming and centeredness you might dismiss as being frivolous or that doesn't really matter. You know, I used to work with a beloved client, and one of the things that we worked on was the way in which her system. Valued beauty and the way that she had been conditioned to believe. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that the vase is two inches off center on the table. You're being too neurotic. But to her system, who had a gift for harmonizing with beauty, it really did matter. And it really does matter. And one of the key elements of my work is not just helping women in feminine folks embrace their femininity, but to find the righteousness of their femininity and their feminine perspective.
And this piece of information about the gap in the study of the nervous system really clicked so much into place for me around why there was this pervasive question amongst all of my clients and friends. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get it? Why am I so overly sensitive? Why do I freeze during conflict? Why is it that no matter how much I rest, I still feel exhausted? Or why is it that no matter how much I do, I still feel like I'm behind? These voices within are not a sign that there's anything wrong with you, but it is a sign that you have been navigating the journey of life in your body, with a map that was never drawn with you in mind. And one of the things that is particularly unique about the feminine system is that we have an entire architecture that is vastly more sensitive to pleasure. Feminine systems have greater sensory sensitivity, stronger olfactory sensitivity, a broader emotional processing network in the brain. The feminine system is more sensitive to beauty, more responsive to touch and sensation, and is more nourished by connection, co regulation and intimacy, which really explains why. If you have been trying to use discipline and solitude and deep breathing and still not feeling like you can find your way home back to a state of regulation, it is not because you're broken. It is simply that you're using tools that were built for a different orientation. And so to kind of bring this into practice, something I'll invite you into is just imagining in the morning. You know, for a lot of my clients and for myself, morning time can often be layered with not just the madness of getting up and checking your phone and getting the kids ready for school, or getting yourself ready for your day.
And on top of all of this pressure of doing is the pressure to be regulated while you're doing it. And so you might tell yourself, oh, I'm going to get up 15 minutes earlier tomorrow, even though I'm only getting five hours of sleep tonight and I'm going to meditate, or I'm gonna perch myself on that little meditation cushion and I'm going to read a spiritual book before I start my day. And yes, yes to that. Yes to all the practices that fill you up and fill your cup. But for some of you, and this is very true for me. I need the zest of pleasure in order to find myself and to feel myself. And so for me, a morning of regulation or a drop in the fountain of regulation doesn't necessarily look like doing a stoic practice, but it is more sitting down at my art desk and collaging three pieces of paper to mark that I have lived today through beauty. In my book Sensing the Sacred, which is a guided journal of rituals to connect with the sacred and the timeless in the everyday through your senses.
There's a practice called bella figura, which is an Italian expression about how you present yourself, how you adorn yourself, how you show up in life. And one of the things I talk about is my personal recipe for bella figura is shoes, lips, jewelry. So just today I was going out to this networking group and I have been working all day, doing my thing in my routine all by myself, and I decided to spend a few minutes adorning before I went out, and I was wearing this fabulous batwing cape with a gorgeous belt and a pencil skirt, and I slipped on a pair of high heels, and I was wearing this bright little red lip and these turquoise art deco earrings and ah, I just felt so fabulous and so confident walking in there.
And, you know, one thing I want to be clear about is that in no way do I want to discourage anyone from taking a pause to breathe, or taking a few minutes of quiet to center. Those practices are really important and really foundational. But I also know that had I gone into that meeting only having done those inner practices, I would not feel the same level of fizz that I felt while my sweet little high heels were click clacking down the stairs. You know, I just feel in my resplendent when I am using these more feminine tools for finding not just my center, but my aliveness. And that's what I hope you take from today's episode, is there's a lot of nervous system education out there that seems to focus on a regulation path.
That is an answer to the question, how can I calm down? But a regulated nervous system isn't just calm, it is alive and responsive and engaged. And so perhaps the question you ask yourself isn't just how can I calm down, but how can I come alive? And if this episode resonated with you, just know that this is really a teaspoon of what I'll be sharing at the class next week on your resplendent feminine nervous system.
But even more than the information that you're going to learn, the class, just like all embodiment work isn't just about learning more information, because heaven knows there is enough information out there in the world, but it is about having an embodied experience of your nervous system and of these different pathways to regulation so that you're not just trying to chase your tail in your head all day of what you should be doing and what you could be doing, but you find that place within yourself that is greater than your doing, and the place from which you're doing spirals out of, rather than the other way around.
So https://marylofgren.com/class. It's going to be a party. And even though there will be a playback, I really encourage you to come live because there's something so much more impactful about being there in person, even though it's across the screen. Being there, heart to heart, voice to voice in real time will leave an imprint on your body that is vast and I would love to see you there. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode and I will see you in the next one.
A soft, velvety practice for when you need to step out of the noise and come back home to your body.