Episode 212 : How to Actually Feel Your Feelings
Have you ever been overwhelmed by a feeling?
It’s common wisdom to “feel it to heal it”, but what does that even mean?
Do you ever try to feel your feelings, but only end up feeling more anxious, more confused, and in more suffering?
In today’s episode, certified embodiment coach Mary Lofgren shares over a decade of experiencing in helping people become more embodied through bringing in the felt senses to feel their feelings (and not get stuck in them.)
You’ll discover:
Four simple techniques to go from analyzing your emotions to feeling and confidently expressing them
How to move stuck emotions through your body and return them to a state of flow
Why so many women and femmes question the messages of their bodies, and how to reclaim a sense of self-trust
How to access the wisdom inside the emotion, and allow it to reshape your life from the inside out
Come learn how to become an embodied, emotionally expressed powerhouse in this mini-masterclass on how to actually feel your feelings.
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Hello, beautiful beings, and welcome to today's episode on how to actually feel your feelings. So you may have heard in our language, you know, feeling is healing. You've got to feel it to heal it. And you might go into your body. And when you're feeling anger or sadness or fear, hear that wisdom and try to go into the feeling. But if you've never had an experience of how to slowly and safely feel that feeling, you might experience it as just an increase in suffering and tension. And as a certified embodiment coach and someone who has worked in the embodied arts my entire adult life for over two decades.
I know a little something about feeling her feelings and not just feeling our feelings from an emotional state, but from a really embodied state where feeling our feelings isn't just about accelerating whatever feeling we're having, but learning how to move it through the body so that new pathways of wisdom and power and possibility can be revealed. When we're no longer just analyzing our feelings from the neck up and all that energy and all that life force is being given permission to flow through your entire system. So today's episode is designed to be a mini masterclass around this aspect of embodiment, of using your emotions as a pathway to greater power and greater self-knowledge. And this is a part of my private coaching immersion called Embodied Intelligence, which is a six month transformational journey. On how to loosen up the tension that comes from a lifetime of being taught to suppress your feelings and suppress your sensations, and learning how to actually navigate this inner world that is so rich and so powerful.
So I am currently accepting new client applications now through June 30th. And if you know that thinking harder and trying to force change isn't working anymore, and that the body holds the key to your next chapter, head to Mary Lofgren to learn how to feel less stuck in a cycle of trying to figure it all out, and instead tap into that body wisdom to feel your way forward. And so where we'll begin. You know, if you've ever listened to this podcast before, you know that a really important aspect of learning and integrating any new information is not just knowing the how, but it is understanding the why and why it can be so challenging to feel our feelings. And the reason for this is because one of the most common things I hear from clients is, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me that I say yes when my body is saying no to more work at my job? What's wrong with me that in my relationship I'm going through the motions because I don't want to hurt my partner's feelings. And yet my own feelings are suffering and. It makes total sense why that would be happening. When you have been taught since you were a little one to suppress how you really feel. And this isn't just true. For those of us who received direct messages from our caregivers, like teachers and parents and grandparents. It's true for our culture at large. We live in an extremely head first style of being. Our brains and the pace of modern life outpaces our nervous system by several million years. If you were ever told when you were a kid in school to hold your pee until break time, if you were ever told to not be emotional in order to be professional. All of these send a subtle message to the wisdom and the intuition of the body. That its truth and its natural instincts and impulses need to stay inside. And the consequence of that. You know, there's a certain aspect of our bodies that aren't meant to feel all of our feelings. So if you felt everything, you probably wouldn't be able to wear clothes if you felt everything all the time. You know, our body has this adaptability for a reason. And in order to have you know, what's quote unquote considered a civilization, we do need to learn how to hold our peace sometimes.
And we do need to restrict our instincts and impulses in order to not cause harm. And the consequence of this is that when that builds up over time, it results in all sorts of manifestations within the body mind connection. So recently I was working with a client, and one of the things she wanted to work with is that she really wanted to feel more connected to her feminine energy, to her sensuality. But most of her time was taken up at a very masculine oriented job, and she felt like it was inappropriate, or that it wouldn't be welcome in the workplace to embody more of these aspects of herself. And during our session, one of the places where this showed up was in her neck. A lot of tension in her neck. This kind of repeated issue, and through the embodiment process, which is really an inside out way of relating to what's actually happening inside of you. So as opposed to the outside in, oh, my neck is tense, I must be clenching my jaw too much. It must be how I'm sitting. You know, those are some examples of outside in. But from an inside out perspective, when we really listened and gave permission and welcomed what the neck was holding, what was revealed was a lifelong pattern of overriding her true body messages. So I mentioned some examples before, but in this case it was taking on additional work so that she could perform and be accepted and excel at her job even when her body was saying, no, I'm overwhelmed. This is too much already. It was stuffing her body into small, angular spaces and boxy clothing when what her body really craved was to breathe and to expand in meetings. You know, it's not common to say, okay, here's what I think, but let me pause to check in with what I feel. Let me check in with what my heart is saying, what my pelvic bowl is communicating. And so all of this tension and override was being concentrated in her neck, which makes a lot of sense, because the neck is that pathway between the body and the mind. And when we unraveled some of this tension that the neck had been holding on to, this was a really powerful moment. And one of the things she said was, wow, my neck hasn't felt this relaxed in years, because when the body could finally communicate its messaging, it felt safe to release that grip. And that's not to say that embodiment coaching is a diagnostic tool for treating tension or chronic health issues, but it isn't uncommon to be in a session and to be doing body listening and to suddenly feel a flush of relaxation in a part of the body that we didn't even realize was gripping on. And so this first gem on the road to feeling your feelings is to understand that feeling confused or uncomfortable or inept at this process of feeling your feelings isn't a character flaw or something wrong with you. It's a natural adaptation of your body mind connection to move through the world and in order to have a different experience around this and release some of this stored attention so that new textures of power and clarity and grounded expression can move through.
That's exactly what I'm going to share with you. Next is some practical ways that you can shift this orientation. And open up the life force that that tension is blocking. So the body. You know, when we talk about the body, we're often very familiar with the physical body. But there are many different aspects to the body that aren't necessarily as tangible as, say, your bicep or your index finger. So there's the mental body, all of the different things that your body keeps track of in your mind and reminds you of throughout the day, or ruminates on. There's the emotional body, this system of expression where your body can express past and present experiences through these micro sensations and sometimes bigger sensations, you know. So like when I feel sad, I feel a heaviness through the center of my eyebrows and my third eye. When I feel anger, I feel this tension around my chest and my shoulders. So something I like to say about emotion is that it is truth. Meeting nerve. It is truth expressed through sensation. There's the energetic body, you know, intergenerational patterns and energies that we may not be able to see, but that we can certainly sense. And all of these make up this ecosystem that we call the body. And the reason I call my coaching immersion embodied intelligence is because we are moving from the 10 to 20% of our intelligence, which is our mental body, to open up this other 80 to 90% of intelligence and wisdom that's available to us. And when it comes to embodying, which is just another way of saying, feeling your feelings, feeling your sensations, developing that somatic sensitivity to know what's really happening in your inner world. There are four primary ways that we embody. One is awareness. Two is breath. Three is movement and four is sound. So let's start with awareness. And this is a little exercise that we can do together that I learned from Susan Pifer who's an amazing meditation teacher. So I invite you to bring some awareness, whatever that means to you, to your right, your lobe. And so maybe you are sensing that ear lobe, sensing the temperature, the air, and just really gathering awareness in that one part of your body. And now will guide that awareness down to your left knee. So bringing your attention and your awareness down to your left knee. Moving awareness now to the center of your chest. And rather than just feeling the physical sensation of the center of your chest, an invitation to go beneath the flesh and bone to sense what's happening here in your chest. Are there emotions? Are there textures? Is there a color that you might assign to what you sense here in your chest? And while this may seem somewhat vague or insignificant, even awareness is the very first doorway to feeling our feelings and connecting with the full network of our embodied intelligence. And so an example of this. I remember one time I was at a diner on a busy morning on the weekend, and the server asked me if I wanted strawberries on my pancakes. And before coming to embodiment work and embodiment coaching, I might have said, sure. To make it easy for them. Like just a no brainer. Sure, strawberries or no, I'm good because it sounds like extra work for somebody in the kitchen. And in this instance I said, let me pause with that. I put my hand on my heart and I really felt in my body that texture of true desire. What did I want? And then I said, sure. An awareness is a skill that's developed over time, after a lifetime of shutting down our awareness, because you're not supposed to not be nice, or you're supposed to be seen and not heard, or your body isn't supposed to poop. You know, that's one where I have a great challenge is my body has learned to withhold some of these less pleasing aspects of being a human being. And so if I don't have complete privacy, this is actually a condition called defecation. And I'm doing pelvic floor physical therapy around it because of how I have learned to ignore and shut down that body signal.
And so awareness is something that can be developed over time where someone asks you a question. And I recommend starting with something relatively low stakes. Like if you want strawberries on your pancakes, or if you want to go for a walk, slowing down to go within and sense. Is this a yes in my body or is this a no in my body? And even if you end up people pleasing your face off, it does not matter. What matters is that you paused to listen. And that is the magic of awareness. Is that the more you pause to listen, the more intimate you choose to become with the truth and the sensations of your body, the more dextrous you will feel in communicating those truths in your life. The next aspect of embodiment and ways to embody is through movement. So just today I was feeling frustrated and some anger and. Again. Before my embodiment journey, I might do lots of exercises about how to communicate this anger. And should I be showing my anger to this person? Should I be slowing down or go with them? Be really intense so that they don't feel hurt in my body? And what I did in this instance in my body, I slowed down. If you end up people pleasing in my face off and I started not matter. What matters is that you paused the significance of this, and that is the imaginative awareness, is that the more I have a lot of outside in definitions, intimate you choose to become with the dumping sensations of your body, the more dexterous you will feel. But in. I really ask myself how this in your life want to authentically express through my body and in this moment, what I noticed is that my head wanted to kind of slither like a snake and move side to side. And as soon as I gave that feeling of voice and some expression, some authentic expression, clarity dropped right in about how to express myself in an assertive and grounded way in this situation, because I wasn't feeling the feeling and then strategizing around it and trying to figure it out and trying to analyze it, I was simply allowing it to express and to be felt, and something new could reveal underneath that tension, rather than holding the tension in my body and trying to mentally master it away. So movement is a really powerful way to feel your feelings without getting stuck and frozen. The next is sound. And so in embodiment coaching. One of the things I'll often invite is, you know, as we're moving, as we're breathing, as we're bringing awareness, is maybe this wants to come out as a sigh or sound in this can often be the most vulnerable form of expression, because how many of us have been taught to suppress our truth and to keep it in the body, rather than much less communicating it, giving it some sort of primal expression through sound? And one of the things I've done in my embodiment practice that has been really helpful in that you might want to try on, is as I'm moving my body and as I'm sensing these different layers of awareness that are lighting up, sometimes I'll just bring my voice to them to name what I'm feeling. So if I do that right now in the back of my body, I feel warmth and tightness. And the next loudest sensation that comes up is in my belly. I feel a heaviness. And the other day I was doing this practice, and I noticed that when I would land my awareness on a certain part of my body, I would feel fear every single time. And that was really interesting to me. And I did a bit of unraveling and a bit of movement around that, and a whole new kind of feelings were revealed and clarity and wisdom and again, unraveling the tension of outside in messaging so that my true self, my true authentic voice, could find itself and help guide me and guide you when you do this practice. If you choose to do this, practice in the way forward that is most authentic and true for you, which no expert outside of you can even come close to.
And the final method of how to feel your feelings is breath. Breath is one of the simplest ways to bring some of that expression and movement in. What tends to be I mean, everybody's body is different at different times. So this may or may not be true for you, but in what tends to be a really lovely starting point in terms of allowing the body to express. So whereas movement and vocalizing might feel more vulnerable because it's a more visible kind of expression. Breath is more of an inside out experience and something that you can try on in your own life right now is as you allow some awareness to move into your shoulders, an invitation to sense what you feel in your shoulders in this moment, and then to breathe from your shoulders, to breathe as your shoulders. And a lot of times, you'll hear breathe into a certain part of the body, which can be great, but is again an outside in approach in two coming from the outside going in. Whereas breathing as the shoulders, breathing from the shoulders. Perhaps that might lead to some organic movement as you feel that noticing what wants to happen next. It's like the shoulders get a bit of expression, and therefore there might be a little more room in the shoulders. Have you ever been in a conversation and you're like, oh God, if I don't say this, I'll die, you know? Or if you're just catching up with a girlfriend or a friend and you just, you just need to tell them all about a situation. It's like you need to open up some space in your body and in your psyche. And movement, breath, sound awareness. These are all ways that we allow the body to express, without the interference of words, and get down to what is often a truer, more somatic, more authentic expression than what the mind can really cognitively process. The mind is a really important part of this, because of course we are going to communicate in words throughout our lives. But when we limit our expression to the mind alone, again, we cut off about 80% of our full intelligence, full wisdom, and full sense of truth and desire. And so if you have ever asked yourself, is this feeling my intuition or is it my fear? Is this a moment where I am just being a good person? Or is this me falling into old patterns of people pleasing? Am I procrastinating or is my body asking for real rest? This is not a sign that you're behind, or that you're missing something that other people know and you don't. It's simply a sign that you are trying to think your way towards answers. That only a deeper relationship with the messages of your body can reveal. And in over a decade of working as a professional coach, there's one thing I hear from clients over and over, which is I wish I had trusted myself sooner. Like I wish in that moment where I knew something in my gut or my heart was telling me something that conflicted with the messaging of my mind.
I wish I had listened to that part, and listening to these parts is a spiritual practice, but it's also a very real, practical skill. And so if your body has been trying to communicate with you for a while now, I challenge you to not think more about its messages, I challenge you to come and feel them for yourself. And that's exactly what Embodied intelligence is designed for. It's a six month experience where we work together in personal coaching, but where you also have a direct line to me through voice, note and text, because the greatest changes in transformations of embodiment may happen in a session, but they really happen in our everyday life and in you building an at home practice that lasts you a lifetime. So applications are open now through June 30th, and I would love to have a conversation with you about how we can open up more of the natural intelligence that is your birthright marylofgren.com/coaching. Thank you so much for listening today, and I will see you in our next episode.