Episode 129 - How To Savor The Tension of Wanting

Written By Mary Lofgren
 

  • 00:02

    Hello, beautiful beings, and welcome to Come to your Senses. Welcome to today's episode, which is all about savoring the tension of wanting so, as someone who has an entire body of work that is devoted to the cultivation of seduction as a spiritual practice.

    01:11

    If you're new to the podcast, you might not know that the origins of Come to your Senses were created when I was operating in the world as my full-time burlesque persona, kitty cavalier, and I would teach workshops on seduction as a spiritual practice. We would have seduction retreats in the hills of Tuscany and on the glittering streets of New Orleans. I wrote an entire book called Sacred Seduction, under the persona kitty cavalier, and in preparing for a class that I'm teaching this weekend called Show Girl Charm School, which PS September 6th tomorrow, at the time of the publication of this episode is the final day to enroll. You can learn more about that at schoolofsensualliving.com/showgirl. But in preparation for teaching that class, I've been reviewing my work of Sacred Seduction, especially reading my own book, which I don't often revisit because this is a former version of my work. But damn, have I been reading the book and thinking, man, this is good.

    02:32

    And I wanted to share with you today, in honor of Show Girl Charm School happening this weekend, what conjuring and expressing your inner showgirl, who is essentially a woman unafraid of showing all of herself to the world and having that authenticity be her point of attraction, whether that is the attraction of a lover, the attraction of a job, the attraction of new friendships, new ways of thinking. It is a holistic and inclusive experience of magnetism, as opposed to the more traditional paradigm of seduction and attraction which is trying to perfect oneself, hide or conceal one's quote, unquote flaws in order to put on a show and avoid one's vulnerability. And in Sacred Seduction we are really reimagining that paradigm, where the hot, heavy, fecund humaneness that all of us possess becomes an essential part of your attraction matrix. And today what we're going to talk about is the experience of wanting being its own special entity of pleasure. So, for so many of my coaching clients, there is this wall of frustration and what often feels like just static noise or a misty fog of why is it that there is this thing that I say that I want and yet I cannot get past this wall of resistance? And there's a lot of ways that we explore that in an embodiment coaching session, but one of the ways that you can explore it in your own life is by reframing and reimagining this experience not as one of struggle, but as simply a seduction in progress. And so today, while wanting and not having can sometimes feel like torture, it can sometimes feel like there's something wrong with us, can lead to all sorts of beliefs about our capability or potential or our desirability.

    05:31

    What we are going to explore, and what I'm going to share some gems with you about, is how to actually enjoy the process of creating and seducing a desire, because, as we know, pleasure generates fertility. Soil that has been tilled and oxygenated and hydrated and is teeming with creepy crawlers ready to munch, munch, munch and fertilize Whatever is put in that soil is going to be much more likely to grow whatever seeds of possibility are planted and unfolded into its depths. So, without further ado, let us dive into our gems on enjoying the tension of desire. So where we're going to begin is with a bit of a refresh on the different stages of a seduction. So there are several episodes in the collection and I will place in the show notes a bit of a reference library to some of my episodes on the art of seduction. Actually, the art of seduction is our most popular episode in the entire collection.

    07:17

    But when it comes to seduction, once again, whether this is a dance between you and another person or you and the produce aisle at the grocery store, there are these three distinct phases of anticipation, culmination and afterglow. So anticipation is obviously that point. If we take the produce aisle as an example, it's when you start thinking you know, what I would really love to have in my fruit bowl this week is some ripe, delicious peaches. So you go to the produce aisle and you see that dazzling flash of orange flesh and you go over and you gently pump a peach to see its ripeness. You might hold it up to your nose to take in its aroma. And all of this is the phase of anticipation. Culmination might be buying the peaches, going into your hot car and being unable to resist sinking your teeth into that fuzzy flesh. And afterglow is after. That delicious peach has slid down your esophagus and is now settled in your belly, and its sweetness is left over on your tongue and on your lips. Maybe your hands are sticky. Afterglow is its own unique phase of enjoyment, and if we contrast this to the more typical experience of buying peaches, you might not even pause to consider what you want. You might speed through the produce aisle oh peaches, those look good shove them in the cart, bring them home and they might rot in your fruit bowl, because you are so absorbed in some of the other aspects of nurturing one's daily life that the pleasure of a summer peach slips right through your fingers.

    09:40

    And so the phase that we're going to focus on today is this anticipation phase, and I want to read to you a few paragraphs from the chapter in Sacred Seduction, which is all about seduction, the science and the art, and this is about enjoying this anticipation phase. So it starts with a quote from one of my favorite books, seductress Women who Ravaged the World and their Lost Art of Love, by Betsy Priyalu, and Betsy explains that the great goddess was not of easy access. Pilgrims reached her shrine through long, dark, circuitous, labyrinthine passages, a sacred journey commemorated in the meander and spiral designs on their relics. With the labyrinth as the paradigm of seduction, seductresses made themselves difficult. They led people on a dance, provoking, teasing, thwarting and disappearing around the next bend. Programmed to this arduous, archaic, seductive way, humanity puts no value in erotic prizes easily won Love. Philosophers belabor the point what is granted is not wanted. Dearness gives value to the meat. That was all from Betsy's book, and the book goes on to explain a story from my own life.

    11:21

    One time I had a lover who pined for private photos of me. It wasn't a naked photo he wanted I have many racy photos on the internet showing a lot of skin but what he wanted were photos that no one else had ever seen. He wanted to be privy to a private show of images that reflected my private life and inner world. So one Thursday I initiated the following exchange Through text Me, hey, you. I know you've been asking for a photo that is taken for your eyes only. It's Thursday, which is my lucky day, and it might just be yours too. Him, really, me, yes, if you are willing to pay the price that such a treasure exacts Him, which is Me. First, you must send me a line from your favorite piece of erotic poetry Him. I don't even know what that means. Besides, I'm at work, me. Well then, we shall have to wait, but you know there is this thing called Google and you can access it from the very phone you are texting me on right now.

    12:36

    Two hours later, after an exhaustive search, my suitor completed his task with flying colors. A photo of my creamy thigh and hip, ornamented by a vintage garter belt and French lace stocking, was his reward. Actually, I sent him a bounty of three photos that day to honor his efforts. Do you see how, if I just randomly sent him the photo, how much less of an effect that would have had. In setting up this little scavenger hunt, I demonstrated that an image from my private arsenal is something of extreme value, making it more satisfying for him to receive and for me to send. Also, by creating a task for him to do, I opened his mind to an experience of the erotics that he previously did not know existed.

    13:30

    Unattainability is not about withholding. It is about creating and standing for the value of each precious moment. When we value what and who we are, without compromise, the world responds accordingly, so, as I'm sure you can glean from that story, seduction at its heart is really a mindfulness practice, because, as you can see, with that story, rather than trying to make something happen, this anticipation phase and savoring this wanting phase is a practice in taking each moment as an opportunity for pleasure. And this particular flavor that we are exploring today, this particular flavor of pleasure, is that flavor of anticipation. And so many of us, especially in the instant gratification culture that we live in, are very unaccustomed to how to savor and hold the tension of wanting without having.

    14:58

    And the next gem that I want to share are some ways that you can practice and play with this tension of wanting, because as you get better and better at regarding this particular sensation as one that is pleasurable, your life will completely transform, because the sensations of longing and wanting and being ungratified all of a sudden open up into this world of technicolor satisfaction. Now, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. I also know what it's like to feel a sense of longing, a spiritual ache that gets attached to something in the material world, and that feeling can be so uncomfortable and painful. And I think that, while I know for myself in the world of exploring the subconscious and all of the different ways that it expresses and plays with how we perceive the present moment. I can find my lack of enjoyment in any particular situation as a reason to torture myself as to how I'm inadequate or insignificant or I'm not doing it right, and so I want to name that. With everything that we explore here on the podcast, especially when it comes to our inner world, there is a spectrum on which we travel, and I encourage you to take these exercises that I'm about to share. Try them on in your own life, hold them up to the light of your own lived experience and see which gems feel like they want to come with you in your own pocket.

    17:06

    So ways to play with the tension of wanting an unrequited desire Go into a store, especially a store you love, and leave your wallet at home. Go in with absolutely no ability to buy anything and savor the pleasure of wanting and shopping without agenda, just simply following the limitlessness of your desire. When you hear the alert of a text or an email, wait a pause. So this was something when I first started practicing seduction that I would do a lot. That was 10, 15 years ago, when even texting was kind of a new thing, like in its first decade, and I would hear the phone buzz. And I would do what we all do reflexively when we receive a text is reach for it, pick it up, look at what the message is. Interestingly, whenever I look at my screen time, texting is where I spend the most time. I always think it's like on my email or social media, but it's actually texting.

    18:26

    And this exercise is an opportunity for you to slow that process down. And when you hear that buzz, taking a moment to say, oh, someone was just thinking about me, Someone just sent a little invisible paper airplane my way. And by slowing down and taking a pause and letting yourself savor that anticipation, noticing does it heighten the experience of opening the text. And the text might be an alert from your city's water company letting you know that your bill has been auto-paid or something like that, something really unsatisfying, but once again, or maybe it is satisfying to you. I find it really satisfying when my bills are paid via auto-pay, but something less personal than maybe what you were expecting.

    19:29

    And when that happens, once again, knowing that seduction and pleasure of all kinds have these three phases anticipation, culmination and afterglow Noticing if even the culmination was disappointing. You can still savor the pleasure and the sensation of anticipation, leaving one sip of wine or beverage or one bite of food unsatisfied. So this is a little different than intuitive eating. You know where you just stop when you're full and you try to find that place of satiety. This is an intentional denial of desire and reorienting yourself to that feeling as its own distinct flavor of pleasure. Go into a bakery and look at all the glorious treats, enjoying only the salivation.

    20:33

    And then, the last exercise tell a story slowly, with fewer words than you might usually use. If you don't get every detail, don't worry, enjoy, keeping a few secret details to yourself. And then the final gem that I wanna offer you is really what we've been talking about all along, which is the art of teas. So in showgirl charm school we are going to be exploring the conceal and reveal, which is really just a way of performing magic with how we heighten and decrease energy, and that is the art of teas, explained, you know, in burlesque, like there's a reason, unless you're doing a reverse strip, where you come out nearly naked and the whole point of your act is putting your clothes on, which can be really, really engaging and intriguing. Unless you're doing something like that, there's a reason why we tell a story in burlesque and why a dancer will come out with gloves and a dress and many, many layers to strip out of. Or, you know, if it's a more neo-burlesque act, perhaps a costume where they're playing a grilled cheese sandwich, you never know. And the whole point of the act is to tell the story through the teas. And this final gem is yet another story from Sacred Seduction. And this is all about how to take the experience of bringing home dessert and, instead of just having it as a sweet treat after your dinner, to make it an extended experience of seduction. Imagine with me it's Friday night.

    22:38

    You pass a choc-la tree in town and wish to bring your lover home a surprise of their favorite dessert. Upon arriving home, you enter the house of the box from the bakery and place it in the refrigerator, forbidding your dearest from opening it All night. Every time they open the refrigerator, they feel the electricity of surprise and desire. You then instruct your lover to take a long bath or shower and when they enter the bedroom, the box is waiting there on the bed, wrapped in a thick black ribbon. You give your significant other the satisfaction of slowly untieing the ribbon, feeling the satin slide against itself as the bow falls open like a blossom. Then you take the ribbon and playfully tie it in a blindfold around your lover's eyes, further heightening the intensity of the tease. You open the box, taking your time savoring the sound, and you retrieve just a bit of the dessert onto your fingertip, caressing your lover's lip. At this point, your partner's entire body is straining with yearning to solve the mystery of what is inside the box. Finally, you place the first bite of dessert on your own tongue and present your lover with the long-awaited answer to this delicious riddle by means of a deliriously passionate delivery. And so, my loves, what I hope that you are taking away from this episode is not just ideas for how to play with and perform some of these acts of tease, but a sense in your body of the energy of anticipation and tease as their own unique forms of satisfaction. Because when not getting what you want can be almost or as satisfying as getting what you want, then the world truly opens up to become your oyster. And if you felt, a part of your nervous system come alive at the presentation of these topics.

    25:14

    This episode is one in a series of several about the sensual arts and the art of seduction, in preparation for showgirl charm school, which the last day to enroll once again is September 6th. Please join us at https://schoolofsensualliving.com/showgirl, showgirl charm school is less about making up a character that you play and more about seducing your most courageous, most bold, most seductive and sensual self to the surface. So I would love to partner with you in that venture. There is a link below this episode to join us and thank you so much for listening. I will see you in our next episode

Whether it's the tantalizing wait for a fresh pastry from your favorite bakery or the anticipation of completing a task, learning how to enjoy the experience of waiting and wanting offers a pleasure that can even surpass the actual reward.  

In this episode, you’ll learn how to harness the pleasure of wanting, and journey through the three phases of every seduction. We'll unravel the art and science of seduction, and learn to relish the exquisite tension of desire.

Even if the culmination of your desire isn't what you anticipated, you'll learn to find intense pleasure in the journey of anticipation itself. Let's embark on this deliciously provocative voyage of the senses together.


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Mary Lofgren
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