Episode 122 - Balm For A Broken Heart
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Mary
Host
Hello everyone, and welcome to Come to your Senses. Welcome to today's episode, which has actually been years in the making.
01:00
I started writing this episode during the season of heartbreak that was particularly intense and I knew that I didn't want to deliver it until I could say I was actively on the other side, so that I could be coming from a place of integrated wisdom around it rather than heartbreak, explaining you from the depths of my own pain, and I am very grateful and proud to say that, as of this moment in time when this episode is being recorded, I am not in a season of active heartbreak, which feels like a blessed relief. But if you are, and that heartbreak might be in its more acute phases, like the first few weeks or the first few months, or it might be a imprint that has been left on your heart that continues to circle around and press on your sore spots. That may have happened decades ago. This episode was created to be a balm for the parts of your heart that have been impacted by the separation of relationship. This episode is really designed pretty specifically for romantic love and breakups, but the information is applicable for friend fissures and pet losses and really any disruptions to your attachment system. You will find some help in this episode and some relief. This episode is called Balm for a Broken Heart because what this episode is really designed to do is offer you gems to support your heart's own natural process of mending and healing, just like a cut on our finger. If we supply that cut with some cleaning and some soothing balm, maybe a band-aid, maybe some time to air out, there is a natural intelligence that causes that skin to mend, and that's true of anything in nature, including your own human heart. Today's gems are designed to give you both really practical scientific information about what happens when we enter a season of heartbreak and why it can be such a deep reckoning.
04:00
I want to begin with sharing a paragraph or two from a book that has literally saved my life on more than one occasion, and it's called Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. This book is about how to deal with the trauma of a broken heart, the kind you experience when a romantic relationship ends. There is no other experience quite like this one. For many people, the devastating, obsessive nature of a broken heart is a complete surprise. You have a sense of having been physically shattered right in the middle of your chest. Discomfort takes over your body, making it feel heavy and dull, or oddly light, like something that has been burned to a crisp and now floats in the air like ash. Most noticeably, heartbreak puts your own mind outside of your control. You fixate on certain thoughts or events, torment yourself with unanswerable questions such as what, if and how come, and are susceptible to shocking waves of grief that flood you without any warning whatsoever, even while asleep. You can no longer count on yourself to make it through a business meeting or the check outline at the supermarket without having to stifle tears. Ugh. I love this book so, so much. It speaks so deeply to this very, very human experience. That truly is an initiation we all must go through.
05:52
I think that this book. When I was in grade school and we received the talk about menstruation, we received this little starter kit of Maxi pads and tampons, and I feel like whenever we get to the age where we start forming love relationships, we should get a little starter kit with this book in it. And actually I was reflecting on things that I wish I had had access to in my most profound seasons of heartbreak, and so I actually created a heart repair support kit that you can find in the link below this episode and at https://schoolofsensualliving.com/heart. That is a collection of tools and healing aids to support you in times of heartbreak, both acute and mild, and in this heart healing support kit you'll find an audio of 20 affirmations specifically designed for this unique kind of experience that we call human heartbreak. And I won't go into too much of the details because I want to dive into our gems, but just know that if your heart feels like it would benefit from some extra support and if what you hear in this episode today is something you'd like to go deeper with and receive some more resources around, that that is there for you at https://schoolofsensualliving.com/heart. And so now let us dive into our gems.
07:48
And so let's dive in to our gems. The first gem is recognition that, when it comes to romhttps://schoolofsensualliving.com/heartantic love. If you turn on the radio or Spotify or whatever, you will find that almost every single song you come across is about romantic love. I can't stop thinking about you. You drive me crazy. What have you done to me? Blah, blah, blah.
08:23
So when you're in a season of heartbreak, you know, as Susan Piver said in that opening paragraph, what is most disturbing about heartbreak is the way that our mind feels out of control. And there's a lot of science and a lot of reasons behind this that I won't go into today, but I recommend studying a little bit about attachment theory, not just your attachment style, but the way that our attachment system is designed for our survival. It's really the way that we have survived for several million years. Our species is by learning how to attach to one another and form a herd for protection. So in some ways, love, partnership, connection these are more primal survival needs than our need for food and water, because when you're a little baby, if you don't have the love and the connection of a caregiver, you're not even going to get to food and water.
09:38
And I share that, because whenever we're in relationship to someone, the tethers of our attachment system become activated and when you go through a breakup, particularly of the romantic variety, you are experiencing a level of emotion that you probably have not experienced since you were a child, because, if you think about it, romantic relationships are one of the only relationships in our lives that contain a familial kind of intimacy, including touch and re-parenting of one another and daily connection, just like we may have had with our caregivers when we were kiddos. This is why we call each other babe and baby, and so I share this with you, because if you are having thoughts and feelings like I am going to die, it's a really common thing, and I hear that a lot in people who are in the acute phase of a breakup, which can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of years, has for me, your mind might be telling you a story that there's something so wrong with you because you're having this strength of emotion. And some of the most intense breakups of my life were relationships where I knew that I was not a fit with this person and that it was the most loving, caring thing for myself and for that person to let go and, in a way, that kind of made it worse, knowing friends who've been in abusive relationships. The shame that they carry about continuing to still have feelings of affection and longing and missing of their partners is profound. And one of the affirmations in the Balm for a Broken Heart support kit is an affirmation that says it is normal to have conflicting feelings. Relief, pain, hopelessness, excitement, anger, regret, longing I allow them all to move through me. I don't take their complexity personally. I can let these tides swell and recede. And that brings us to our next gem, which is keeping the love even if you let go of the lover. So, partners, when we are in partnership with someone or I should say, because there's a lot of different ways to identify partnership but when we allow someone into those deeper levels of our attachment system and when a level of intimacy gets created, where there's a melding and a blending, our partner becomes a part of us.
13:07
All the time I hear the inflection of ex-partners. When I speak I say things that my ex-partners used to say that we're just part of our relationship vernacular. That used to bring me a lot of pain and I used to really try to control when I would do that and really kind of treating that way in which that partner lived in me like it was nuclear material, until I realized that to disown that part of me was to disown a part of me that loved deeply, and it's a really common defense mechanism of the mind to want to make things black or white, to want to drop things into a binary like, oh, that was love. No, that wasn't love.
14:03
In relationships where I've experienced betrayal, it's so confusing because when there was deep love and shared connection and intimacy, and meanwhile the whole time, there was a deep lie happening beneath the surface that one of us wasn't aware of. Was that love? Was that real? It really kind of taints the whole experience and with emotion, relationship, unfortunately. It would be a lot easier if these things were binaries or separate materials that we could weed out from one another. But the truth is is that once again, there's a lot of complexity here, and so an affirmation that might be helpful that is part of the support kit is I can grieve this relationship and keep love's true nature. I will not berate myself for any attempt I have made to learn how to love. Love is never leaving me, and so, once again, while that person that you've loved may no longer be in your life, or in your life, in the same way you get to keep the parts of your heart and the parts of your being that were shaped by that love. I heard something once that heartbreak is not a heartbreak, it's a heart shape. It's an experience that molds and shapes our heart into what it's here to become.
15:59
Our next gem is around self-care during times of deep emotional distress. So consider this any time you have a broken heart due to any reason, I give you the biggest, most golden permission slip. To keep it so simple. When you have a broken heart, it is even worse, I think, than having a broken limb, because it is an invisible injury and it's an injury that has no known expiration date. You know at least. With a broken arm, there's a sense of, oh, you'll have the cast on for this long or you'll be in the sling for about this long. With a broken heart, it can feel endless and I remember, after one significant breakup, walking around with a shirt that had a hole in it where the heart was, and I wore that as a physical reminder that I was basically walking around with a mangled limb.
17:24
And if that were happening, people would probably be opening doors for me. People might be asking me if I was okay or how I got the injury to help me process it. If I was wearing a cast, people might come over and sign my cast, like we did when we were in grade school, or at least I did. And so this is a reminder that if you had a mangled limb, you most likely might not be putting pressure on yourself to say, start a business or get into the best physical shape of your life. You know, it's really common after relationship ends to have a lot of adrenaline in your system that spurs a desire for sudden change and like a big life renovation. And if you want to do that, god bless, god's speed. However, what I would recommend and this is after the experience of when I separated from my ex-husband I wrote a book In about six weeks. I wrote the book Sacred Seduction in that time of deep grief because it just gave me a really necessary distraction.
18:56
But what I wish someone had told me for the long haul is that the basics of self-care are so essential for your mental health and resilience. During that time, I remember calling it my year of conscious unconsciousness. So everybody would say, oh, you know, the first year is the hardest after a divorce and I'm like, okay, well, if I was having surgery, I would certainly opt for anesthesia and painkillers. So I am just going to do whatever I can to make it through this year, which included a lot of self-destructive dare I say, self-harming behaviors around alcohol and dating and money, and at the end of that year I did not feel any relief. In fact, I felt a lot worse, because now I had debt and a drinking problem and was carrying even more hurt and rejection and abandonment from my adventures and dating. And so again, what I wish someone had told me is honey.
20:17
All you need to focus on right now is drinking enough water, keeping your blood sugar stable with regular meals, getting sleep, even if you have to take a sleep aid. You know, for me, sleep when I'm in times of deep emotional distress can make or break me, and everyone's relationship with sleep aids is personal and I don't mean that as advice for you, but I wish I had given myself that permission at that time. The basics for me are water, blood sugar, sleep, movement and people. If any one of those things are off, a paper cut can send me into a spiral of depression and self-loathing, and so, particularly during a time where I am nursing the invisible injury of a broken heart. Having those basics on board is essential. I so deeply encourage you to take exquisite self-care during these times.
21:30
And speaking to the one about people, you know I isolated a lot during breakups, which I think is really natural to do, just like an animal going into the woods to tend its wounds, and what I wish I had done. I actually have a friend who told me that during one of her most intense breakups she had a friend who would come over every night and talk her into bed and stay with her until she fell asleep, and then the next morning she would have a different friend come over to wake her up and go smoke cigarettes with her on the porch before she went into work. And I was so moved by that level of receiving help and during times of emotional distress, particularly during a breakup, you know, another affirmation from the support kit is every human before me who has dared to love is going through this. I am not unique, there is nothing wrong with me, and so my experience is that, because this time is so deeply relatable, this is actually a time to soften the heart and to reach for connection, instead of what our impulse might be, which is hardening the heart and spending time in seclusion to hide our pain. And our final gem has to do a little bit with that which is around acceptance.
23:25
Once, when I was talking about a breakup with a therapist and I was just sobbing and lamenting like when will this end? Like I had been carrying this pain for what I felt was so long and it felt so deep. And she said to me well, I think it might be time to accept it. And I just remember being like well, how in the hell do you do that? You know? Well, first, actually, no, I remember feeling so threatened because it felt like to accept it would mean giving up hope that this would ever be better, you know, and it was just so painful to begin with that it felt like accepting it just made it even more painful. And then she told me, accepting something is different than liking it. It doesn't mean that you have to like it or even approve of it, but it simply means you stop fighting with what is.
24:43
And my experience with breakups is that it is a hall of mirrors where all I can see is my regrets from the past and shame from the past and dismal, unbearable outcomes of the future, and acceptance drops me into the present. I remember, in that therapy session, feeling a sense of presence that I hadn't felt in months, because something about acceptance opened up a pearl of hope. By accepting that this was happening, all of a sudden, I came to the realization and truth that I actually don't know the future. But by no longer fighting with the present, I can take my power and my energy back to be open to what the future brings and to be an active participant in creating it. Because the economy of my energy, if all of my rubies and emeralds are being spent on fighting with what is and how it shouldn't be this way, I don't have any energy left to look towards what I actually want or how this experience is trying to shape me and love me.
26:25
And so, my friends, I wanna close with a quote from Wisdom of a Broken Heart, and that is you will come to see that during this whole time, your worries will ebb and flow, but your heart is indestructible. And so, my beloveds, I am sending you so much love and grace and belief in you, wherever you are, in the many seasons and cycles of your human heart. And if you would like some additional support, check out schoolofcentuallivingcom. Slash heart, and in this support kit you'll find this beautiful audio that I created with really, really intentional affirmations that speak directly to the experience of loss and a freaking out attachment system and the distorted sense of self-esteem that happens as a result of heartbreak. You'll also find two exercises that I've found instrumental during the times in my life where my heart has been mending, and a beautiful look book with a few of the affirmations highlighted and displayed in an artful way that you can print out or screenshot and keep on your phone, as well as some of the most useful and helpful resources teachers, mentors that have moved me through these times, and so, if those sound like they would be helpful for you, this kit is only $25 and you can check it out at https://schoolofsensualliving.com/heart or in the link below this episode.
28:28
As always, if you enjoyed this episode, I would be so delighted to hear from you in a review or to have you pass this podcast along to someone that you love, and I will see you in our next episode.
Wherever you are today, I’m sending you spoonfuls of love.
But if you are in a season of heartbreak, I am sending you giant, heaping measuring cups full of love, tenderness and encouragement.
Nothing hurts like a broken heart.
You are walking around with an invisible injury.
The ache in your chest turns your mind into a hall of mirrors, and basic human functions like sleeping and eating suddenly become olympic level feats.
When you relax into today’s episode, you’ll feel a healing balm come over your heart.
The places where your mind has been blown apart by critical thoughts will be gently repaired, sealed, and a fire lit for you to warm your hands by.
No matter how long or short the relationship was, whether it happened two weeks ago or two decades; heartbreak is evidence of having loved.
There is no shame in that, my dear one.
I welcome you to this very human campfire we call heartbreak, to bask in the light of your own courage, and receive the compassion of all those who have gone before you on the path of learning how to love.
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